Pushing, earning, competing, hectic, worried, hurried, short tempered. Though these words are the converse of what I would purposefully choose my life to be, this described me.
What would it take to change this? Taking a step back even, what would it take for me to realize things needed to change and that it was up to me to intentionally make that decision?
Occasionally, there would be a whisper. Something inside telling me things should be different. Instead of listening to those murmurings, I rationalized, pushed the feelings down, and kept up the status quo. Emotions would fluctuate between hopefulness and feeling overwhelmed and out of control. The hint of the need for a change suppressed, again and again, explaining it away that I don’t have the option, or making the excuse that it would be too difficult to change. Using the grass is always greener adage as a crutch.
The whispers got louder. Eventually, my body began telling me too. Most mornings I would cough until throwing up. The nerves got worse. I could constantly feel and hear my rapid strong heart beat to the point of distraction. Then, the shaking began, worsening over time so I couldn’t hold anything still. I let this go on for months, hiding the full severity of the situation, thinking I was overreacting, until, finally, a complete breakdown.
Don’t let your situation get to this point. Listen to the whispers! Believe what your soul and body are telling you. There is a real reason for it. Trust yourself. Take action. Seek help. Make changes. Intentionally make choices. Do what you need to do – just don’t ignore the signs and signals that something is wrong.
Don’t let the whispers turn into screaming before you take care of yourself. You are worth it.